It is no secret really, yet most men don't have a clue, much to the chagrin of women. The way men are 'wired' they seem incapable of remembering how to 'woo and win' their wives and partners. And it just so happens the opposite problem, 'giving him sexual fulfilment,' is the thing that kills more marriages for most men -- is it a case of 'never the twain shall meet'? I think there is more hope for a meeting of the minds and hearts than that.
Getting affectionate... most men have trouble maintaining affection for their partners/wives past the first year or two. It's not that they don't want to; they just don't think that way. Men think sexually, whereas most women don't see sex that simplistically -- it's integrated as part of a total package (intrinsically linked with affection) and they need hours or even days of consideration to be "seducible." Being affectionate for the man is the way to a woman's heart and the way to the best sex -- for her -- which means it's the best for him too.
Here are some considerations toward becoming and staying more affectionate:
1. Hugs: Hugs are cheap and easy to give! They are definitely the number one item on the affection menu. Hug genuinely and lovingly and you're halfway there. Most women require a dozen hugs a day, and long "body" hugs (without the expectation of sex) are definite winners. A dozen hugs might seem an exaggeration -- try it out; you might be surprised by the results.
2. Flowers: This is the traditional number one but can be expensive. Try and get colours and arrangements that show you're thinking of her. What's her favourite flower? If you don't know why not ask? -- But also observe.
3. Manners matter: Politeness is still important no matter how long you've been together. This means if you fart say, "Excuse me," and be considerate how you do it. It means saying your pleases and thank you's. Don't be invited to use your manners -- let it come from you.
4. Communicate: Talk with your spouse. Talk about her day. Talk about your day. Talk about things that interest her. Talk about things that draw you both together as a couple. Talk about your problems but do so in a gentle and caring way. Talk about her problems from the viewpoint of wanting to provide her support, not to "guide" her... enter listening...
5. Listen: Most people find it hard to actively listen, and this certainly applies to men, generally. Men, get disciplined to listen with care to your partner and learn to bite your tongue when you're tempted to interrupt her. Just listen. (Active listening allows you to talk only to ask clarifying questions that help you understand and demonstrate empathy.)
6. Cook: Preparing a nice sumptuous meal (and cleaning up!!) can win your way into your wife's heart very easily. "Sex begins in the kitchen!" is the catch-cry and there's good reason, as mentioned in one of the opening paragraphs.
7. Seek feedback: Speak to your partner about it. Ask her honestly to rate your affection and seek feedback on where you can improve. Again, listen. Listen to more than her words; listen also for what she's not saying.
8. Get physical: As well as hugs most women love being touched but not in the areas of the body (or the ways) most men think. It's usually the innocuous areas like the neck, upper and lower back, feet and hands that get most women going -- again, not in the way most men think. Spending time gently caressing a woman in these ways will demonstrate genuine love for her - part of the 'wooing and winning' process. Try doing this whilst watching a movie, attending a school concert, or even in church! (Check she's okay with it in public places and in front of the kids.)
It can't be understated too much that women want a genuine man -- someone who's not a phony! If you're going to be affectionate do it for the right reasons; that is to love her as she deserves to be loved -- not for sex (though you might see more/better "action" when she perceives you caring genuinely). Women can pick impure motives miles off.
It's said that "the earth trembles under three things, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress." It doesn't make sense that a married woman is not loved.
Find out what works for your spouse and then simply do it.
Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Acknowledgement for key input to this article, and my thanks for teaching me how to be more affectionate, go to my wife, Sarah.
This article was inspired by Willard F. Harley's His Needs, Her Needs (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House Company, 1986, 2003), pp. 30-41.
Steve Wickham is a qualified lay Christian minister (GradDipDiv). His passion in vocation is facilitation and coaching; encouraging people to soar to a higher value of their potential. Steve's key passion is work / life balance and re-creating value for living, and an exploration of the person within us.
